Friday, January 23, 2009

stressed

stress happens to everyone
but way too often in my life.
self-taught, self induced, of course.

every time i think about eating,
moreso out than at home, but rather just with others,
i am then immediately trying to calculate when and where i can purge afterwards.
how sick is that?
even when i am making dinner, i worry about it
and try to see if i can somehow squeeze it in, without being noticed.
sick puppy indeed.

but what else would i have to worry about if i didn't stress about this?
how bout everything in my life that i cannot control that isn't going too well!
so it essentially breaks down to:

continue my vicious, detrimental habit
or
be so insanely depressed that suicide will not be a fleeting thought!

wonderful options, no?

Monday, January 19, 2009

maxed out

Ever reach your limit?
on being polite, friendly, appeasing others?

the service industry will wear on you,
that is for sure.

but vulgarities are also tossed into the mix-
eating disorder, for example.
what would happen if someone outrightly admitted to it?

i.e:
"so you aren't going to eat anything?"
"no, i'm really not hungry" or "i ate before i came"
"what are you, like, anorexic or something?"
"no, of course not! i totally eat.. all the time!"

typical conversation.
but what if....

"what are you, like, anorexic or something?"
"yes, actually i am. i hate eating and you can't make me so fuck off"

how liberating would that be?

all the formalities....
they are disgraceful.

some people care so much about what others think of them...
others don't give a rat's ass.....
i'd love to not care...
believe me...

if only i could.

Friday, January 16, 2009

"friends"

there are several people in my circle of "friends" that I could well do without.
To be perfectly honest, i have not done anything to encourage these relationships
for quite some time- months, if not longer, actually.

And if someone wasn't responsive to another's quests,
wouldn't someone just stop asking?
or if the other person never ever volunteered info about herself,
wouldn't someone pick up on this?
.... but they like to hear themselves talk....

but no, not really.

And being straightforward is next to impossible.
its so much easier to create a
small white lie.... out of protection.
do you want to hang out?
"no".
"why?"
"honestly, i have absolutely no desire, even in its smallest form,
to hang out with you. ever."

hightly doubt that is something that should be thrown around.
so white lies it is...

too bad i'm also surrounded by thick and stubborn folk.
*sigh*


It has not been a successful week.
To have my schedule would be most peoples' dream,
but sometimes it proves to be more than detrimental, the flexibility.
And almost, if not every day, i've screwed up.
Up up up it goes, which is slightly scary
(and slightly ridiculous says my logical side)
but what else happens when I'm scared?
tahdah!
Doesn't make it hard to be able to sleep all day...

i've just lost my focus lately...
and have proven to be all frickin over the place.
tis not a good thing.
hopefully nothing is known.
but its not a good thing.



Tuesday, January 13, 2009

tuesday.

the other day i realized....
once upon a time,
long, long ago,
a young girl was able to eat without hinderance.
with gusto, enjoyment, fulfillment,
she was nourished;
not plagued or racked with guilt
before,

during,
and after.
she was not fat,
she was an active, happy child.
without a care for a calorie in the world.

what happened? where did she go?
why is it a certainty that she will never return?

mournful musings...

what am i doing here?

what am i doing here? i now officially have a blog, and i'm not even sure where this desire arose from. wouldn't a diary just suffice? i'm not looking for advise, but maybe searching for anonymity?
oh boy!

i've always thought positively of having something online versus paper-
the ability to be so organized, uniform, prim and proper, is quite appealing.
and the idea of being an unknown is absolutely riveting.


so that leaves me here.
oh boy...

any questions?