What i think...

Preface: I know that I am affected in an.. unhealthy way which causes me to be particularly irrational. That being said...

I think....
...that i ate too much today
...that i didn't b*p, but i kind of (understatement) wanted to
...that i should have called that job op back (but i didn't)
...that i shouldn't have drunk 2glasses of wine (but i did)
...that i am thick in the midsection, which bugs the fuck out of me.
...that i cannot trust my scale (and wish i had a second one)
...that i don't want to go to work tomorrow
...that i should have done my paper today
...that i hate working weekends, particularly sunday
...that i don't work enough
...that i spend too much money
...that i have too much time to myself
...that i eat too much
...that i'm lazy
...that i'm stupid

... that i can be a waste of fat space....

Any questions?

Rough Thursday

All i did today was watch tv, work a bit, and b*p- very productive!
not.
it wasn't really entirely intentional, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
conclusion: i need a f/t job to keep me occupied.
any suggestions?

i get all sorts of project ideas while i'm out,
but the minute i return home, i'm stuck, somehow distracted or blocked for one reason or another.
and i don't know how to break the cycle.

i hate myself afterwards, for breaking down.
i feel guilty, sneaky, ashamed.
but apparently not enough.

10 years this week. oh joy.

Slight Sigh of Relief

So finally i believe my bitchiness has gotten through. Whats left is a very whiney "poor me" boy, who "sucks at life" blah blah blah (please get over yourself!)

and guess what?

i do not care : )

i do not care what happens anymore, nor do i care what any of them think. it is none of their business, nor is it their problem, and if they want to coddle him, have at it. It doesn't solve anything, nor does it help. WhAtEvEr!!

So i still feel nervous, but much better overall. And i am quite good at avoiding situations and not seeing people in person for at least a month or so.... i haven't seen M, for example, since... early January... its a beautiful thing. I do not need these people, and frankly, i do not want to be around them.

He tried, but it was too much, and it made me regret everything.
M has sort of tried, but moreso used me as a therapist and has never sincerely asked how i am.

and its really funny how little they all know about me. i am actually the last one to invite M. out, so its not my turn. i don't enjoy hanging out with depressing bullies anyway. (hopefully if i vent enough i will not care whatsoever and generally feel better about everything.) With that in mind,

fears:
1. T still associates with them for the most part, and i do not want there to be too much "weirdness". At the same time, he is also usually the first to jump ship and really only wants to play games and do guy stuff as he cannot stand M, so that limits the social engagements (which is just fine).
2. .... huh...
so i guess there is only one fear, and its not really that bad either...

complaints:
M doesn't try to change, and i truly believe she is all talk because i never see a difference.
M does not listen, or else she wouldn't be where she is.
M. loves to complain and moan and groan. Some of it is valid and does suck, but most of it is not.
M. is so submissive yet clingy/dominant that its gross; and yet bizarrely (and also grossly) kinky- ew.
M's relationship is unbalanced; they do not communicate well. its like a sad little damaged puppy, and the owner who has to take care of her. its weird and unhealthy.
M. does not need to have a family. and if this does happen, i really hope i live in another state.

I will leave M's s'o out of this, as its unnecessary to bring it up.

don't really have any problems with C/C... and the other has been previously mentioned (several times) And that about sums up the core. Thankfully, M has other friends now so i do not need to play a big part in anything. I have been fortunate enough to be left alone for a bit, and its lovely! I do love the gossip, which i need to get over... but gossip is just so much fun to hear because its usually absurd haha.

so its not as bad as i thought... sweet! now i need to practice my mantra:

let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go. let it go...





...and the peasants rejoiced

Slightly Satisfied

Amazingly enough, blogging is becoming a very satisfying experience. Yes, i could use a diary and have no one privy to my innermost thoughts (and complaints), but its so neat and tidy online! Plus no one knows anything- at all- which is absolutely beautiful! ha!

New complaints:
There was a grievance last week at work- something that has been mounting for some time and came to a head in the most unfortunate, depressing, and frustrating way. One of my furry guys was put down, and no one of any real authority was consulted (for the most part). Instead, he was whisked away and gone before i got to work- after it was too late to do anything. There were many things that occurred that shouldn't have with whole situation- also highly frustrating. But what most troubles me is the fact that it seemed like she was trying to prove a point- like she has more power than i do. And really, i've the better position in more ways than one, and would never want her job.

So these are my problems:
1. she does not listen
2. she does not properly communicate
3. she used to be nice, but lately she's become quite the b*tch, for no reason i can think of!
4. she cannot read directions
5. she cannot drop something without having the last word.
6. there are arguments, accusations, and power-struggles constantly, over the most absurd and nonsensical things! absolutely pointless...
7. this was the last straw- she took something I had been working with to try and save, something i was more than willingly committed to (so were several others), and killed it.

that should not have been allowed to happen.

and it seems like she did it sneakily, almost. as if she knew she knew she might get her hand stuck in the cookie jar...

conclusion: b*tch.
so i wrote a letter (email actually) of complaint, asking for her to be reprimanded.
what else can i do?
i cannot stand working with her, and i don't even physically have to face her!

i fear my boss will do nothing because he is... an idiot.
and uneducated one at that.
i do not understand how he possibly got the position he has...
there is something very wrong with this area.

I've noticed that lots of people in higher positions in this area are completely under qualified in every respect- what did they do that i cannot figure out?
grr.

i don't want her working with me anymore- she doesn't deserve it. And i pray he says something to her before something else ridiculous happens.
grr. im still pissed.

sick and tired

I have been arguing with one of my friends for over a year- and its beyond absolutely ridiculous.

question:

would you rather be constantly pushed off or cancelled on, with one person's hopes that you realize this person does not want to hang out with you?

or

would you rather have someone honestly say, "please stop" ?

Apparently most people would go with the former.

But i am just so sick of it. I am tired of making excuses and cancelling at the last minute. I am tired of being asked to hang out. I have not been openly friendly to this person in oh at least a year and a half- that is a pretty substantial amount of time, wouldn't you think?
I don't see why he won't let it go and its highly frusterating.

And you know what? i don't think he is a great guy either. Actually, this is what i think:

1. You try to be so nice to everyone and sometimes its pretty insincere.
2. You are a first-class know it all, and not in a nice way- its often obnoxious.
3. Being straight-edged is fine, but do you have to remind everyone constantly? Its not new information, we get it. And yes, it comes off as being "superior", b/c you probably still think you are even though you would never admit that to anyone, possibly even yourself.
4. Get Over High School. You are not a nerd with no friends anymore, you are an adult and have the abilities and skills to make your own damn friends and grow. No one is classifying this or that group or skill as "cool" anymore, and you should be mature enough not to care.
5. If you don't start dating... NoW, you never will, and it will make you creepy.
Think: 40.year.old.virgin.
6. You think you are being so accommodating, but i don't really buy it.
7. Stop trying to play the "poor me" card- again, you are an adult.
8. GROW.UP.
9. Get a life.
10. LET.It.G0.
11. Leave me alone!
12. Of course i'm going to be nice to you in public because thats WHAT ADULTS DO! Its not just me, its most of CIVILIZATION.
13. Stop clinging on to bits and pieces of everything.
14. You are only hurting yourself and digging further into a hole.
15. You are emotionally stunted- get over it and try to fix it.
16. I am sorry i ever told you anything about myself- emphasis on anything- and i completely regret it. I was substituting you for something that was missing, which was wrong. And i apologized for it. Then you said nasty things and we really had a blow out. And i just want this all to be over because it is childish and RIDICULOUS.
16-B: i regret telling you anything foremost because it made me vulnerable and gave you information.
16-C: you wield information like a weapon, which is not nice, fair, or actually beneficial (to you) in any way. I do not believe that you are aware of the fact that it never helps your case, but it doesn't. It falls under the 'obnoxious/annoying' category, as well as 'mean', because exposing peoples wounds just because you were privvy to the information does NOT, i repeat does NOT make them like you/respect you more! guess what? it does the OPPOSITE! Throwing priveleged information which maybe makes you feel important (also wrong) instead hurts the person and makes them dislike you and regret your previous discussions!
17. in regards to summing up #16, GET.A.CLUE.
18. You are too selective- no mensa supermodel is going to knock on your door. And if she did, you probably wouldn't be able to physically talk to her anyway!
19. You may have information, but you really don't know anything about me.
20. You need to start learning how to listen to people.
21. You need to start being receptive.
22. You think you are trying to be supportive through encouraging me to do things. If you were receptive or ever listened, you would realize that i do NOT want that encouragement because i am so very over it. You think i still want it or should still want it for some reason- and guess what? still don't. And i also don't believe you. Maybe its what you think i should be striving for because i am not "reaching my full potential", something that is purely in your head. Really, it bothers me the attention/support because i so don't want it. So stop trying to be all supportive- i think it falls under your category of falseness.
23. You make way too many assumptions, most of which are usually wrong.
24. You don't know everything- really you know nothing about most things, those things that will get your farther in life.
25. Maybe you are right and i do hate you because this list just seems to continue. Maybe i can't stand hanging out with you and actually dread when you will be in the vicinity, whether public or at someone's home. Maybe i never want to talk to you and volunteer as little information as possible, in a very unenthusiastic (which you are too dense or excited to pick up on) manner. Maybe i wish you'd go away and wouldn't be sad if i never saw you again. Maybe i'd be thrilled if we moved tomorrow and i never had to see you, or a few choice others, ever again. Maybe.
26. Stop commenting on every-fucking-thing on Facebook! No One Cares!
27. i know you better than probably anyone ever will and that is most unfortunate. For me because i don't care but i can read you beyond well. For you because it is sad, since i haven't cared for a very long time. And i hope for your sake that you do meet someone who will put up with you and change you hopefully for the better because everyone deserves happiness.

But i am tired of arguing, and trying to explain myself. I am tired of pussyfooting and trying to make sure no ones feelings are hurt. You think i'm nice to you in public because i don't want people to think less of me. You are straightup wrong in thinking i am "pleased" to see you because i never am. I smile when i see everyone, you are not special. You are transparent to me, and most likely will never change much. I strongly suggest trying though. I would never be mean to anyone in public because it is CHILDISH and IMMATURE. i am an adult. I may have things to work on but at least i try and am more successful in areas you will most likely struggle with for the rest of your life. I may not have a well paying job but everything else is awesome and personally, those things matter much more.

So this is what i want- its very simple, really.

1. Please stop trying to hang out with me. I am not comfortable with it.

That's all. think i'm a phony? fine. think i'm fake? fabulous.
You think i care if you feel that way-
you think i care if others think poorly of me-

i used to. but with you guys, i sooooooo don't.
because you are all emotionally and/or socially and/or psychologically inept and screwed up.
i usually cannot stand most of you, and find myself wanting to drink when you are around.

so i don't care if you think i'm mean.
get over it.
and stop bothering me.

"If for any reason you are not completely satisfied, I hate you."

I wish i had a t-shirt that read, "if for any reason you are not completely satisfied, I hate you."
Now that my waitressing days are a bit behind me, i don't find myself as aggravated. Nevertheless, I cannot seem to escape the customer service industry (few can and kudos to those who do!) and still, more often than not, feel that way.

Can't say it doesn't ring true of aquaintances, either...

I have about a handful (or less) of close friends... most of whom are not in the same area and i never actually see. And you know what? i have no problem with this- not having bountiful numbers. I have turned into a homebody, and thats great. I'd rather stay home with my boys and chill out, or maybe go out with the bf, than hang out with "our" friends. (it is a rare occasion when i am able to get together with those i like here b/c of conflicting crazy schedules...)
Fortunately, the bf feels the same way as i do about our "friends", as they can be unbelievably annoying, obnoxious, and immature (aren't i a good friend? ha).

but if i never saw them again, starting now, that'd be more than ok.
they are good for gossip though- and boy do i adore dirt!

i'm so bad...
...and i don't care.

i just want to be left alone. i hate it here, can't say i've met many normal people, either.
the relationships here are not healthy, and it pisses me off.
in accordance with one, he never listens to me, respects my wishes, or knows whats going on. Instead, he seems to use things he knows about me to somehow prove a point- maybe that he knows me well. but he doesn't know anything which is really ironic... For example, he will try to provide encouragement- sounds normal right? Factor in the element that i have never desired said encouragement and therefore it really bothers me because it seems as though he thinks he is being so helpful and wonderful by offering it. And i just don't care anymore. i want it to stop...
he is absolutely relentless, unfortunately.

the other can be sweet, to an extent, but i have yet to see why her old friends are still hanging around because i cannot figure it out-what the initial attraction was/is. I get used as a sounding board, and then she has the nerve to say that others use her in that respect and don't ask her about herself! i should have a Rx pad for her... not that she actually takes any of my advice. she is extremely self-involved and cannot get over anything, and also tends to bully and steal ideas.
not to mention the fact that she threw up on my bed one "rowdy" (for her) night.

i am tired of dealing with the childishness b/c its absurd.
they all need to grow the fuck up and get over themselves asap.
but this area seems to breed retardedness.
and i don't enjoy it.

i just want to move away! or at least go to school!
can we ditch these guys, please ?




i want to go now, please.

Monday

I was actually good on Sunday- amazing, isn't it?
And I didn't drink on Saturday, so thats not too shabby, right?
I don't always understand the allure to drinking...

But i definitely understand the allure of food...

My goal is to be good today as well.... and so far,
so good!

The glass (or 2) has been tossed back....
fuzziness is settling in,
to an extent at least.

Sometimes i am so tired, that i just fall asleep.
and wake up later, in a panic, because i do not remember
what i was doing the previous night for a bit.
my memory sucks-
some of the sugar substitutes have fucked with me, i'll admit.
but I've cut them out- amazingly enough.

so what do i have left?
i seem to sweat profusely at night-
could it be due to the OD of salt in my daily regime?

its been 10 years.... this month.

oh boy....

and so i drink a glass of wine (or 2).
to forget
to relax
to lose my inhibitions.... too numerous...

but i don't want to eat.
i want to go smoke a pack....
its too late to eat....
regrets...
sorrow...

mistakes.

friday night

Today started out on such a positive note, and eventually slid down, down, and down some more.
2x, to be exact. Had to knock my enthusiasm out somehow...
We went out, had a couple of drinks, came home, chilled.
Nothing crazy, kinda ate and napped for the rest of the night.
And now its practically saturday, which makes me sad.
I don't enjoy saturdays, more specifically saturday nights,
because that means:
1. i have to go to work on sunday, starting my week a day earlier than most
2. i usually get ditched saturday nights, and spend a lonely evening getting into trouble.
not fun.
So, i don't want saturday to come. I enjoy spending the day with my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but then he leaves. Not that i feel the need to be attached to him 24/7 by any means, but the apartment just becomes so empty when he is gone. And my friends are always working/busy saturday nights. *sigh*
its frusterating.

summertime

i wish i could be childlike in my enthusiasm for nourishment....
hitting my 10 year anniversary soon- not that it is something to be proud of.
i wish i could live at my summerhouse...
everything is so much simpler there.
i'd live in a house... be by the water...
as much as i love hustle and bustle i love the simplicity out there as well...
i want to be somewhere else
i don't want to be the way i am
but i am unable to change it at the moment
i do not have the patience
i need my crutches
i cant do it just yet
i feel the need to apologize
to everyone,
to myself.
i'm sorry.

Pressure Cooker

Yesterday was the first day I abstained in... i don't even know how long- yay for not doing it! but boo for my recent track record...
I'm just so obsessed... and its so much easier to focus on that than the fact that i cannot change anything else that is going on. I feel a slight rift growing, but i am trying not to be concerned about it. at least i didn't do anything "wrong" today.
Its just so easy to put all of my eggs in one basket-
to get so excited and then inevitably, it falls apart.
got let down tonight, in more ways than one.
went out for fast food as a result- the food never left the establishment.
afterwards, i got on my feet.
but now the buzzards are circling again- urging, pushing.
quite hard to ignore.
maybe tomorrow-
but sometimes there seems so much to do.. can't afford to be that tired...
such a headache.
damn my stubbornness!